With few exceptions, all domestic relations cases, whether it be an initial proceeding, or a post-decree dispute, are required to attend mediation before a judge will hold a hearing and decide the disputed issues.
Mediation isn’t just about avoiding court—it’s about finding common ground and crafting a settlement that works for both parties.
KEY TAKEAWAYS:
What is Mediation?
Mediation is a process in which a neutral third party—a mediator—helps the parties negotiate and resolve issues related to their separation. Mediators are either experienced attorneys or mental health professionals. In addition to those underlying qualifications, in order to become a mediator, candidates must take an intensive course, consisting of at least 40 hours of hand on training.
Mediators don’t take sides or make decisions for parties, and nothing is decided in mediation unless both parties expressly agree to it. Mediators are there to guide the discussion, keep parties focused and on-track, and help explore various settlement ideas. While mediators cannot give legal advice, they might ask questions or make suggestions on certain proposals or scenarios, and some can draft up documents detailing any agreements reached.
Mediation is effective because it shifts the focus from winning and losing to problem-solving. According to the American Bar Association, mediation resolves disputes in up to 80% of cases without the need for further litigation. Mediation is the only way the parties can maintain total control over the outcome of their case, and it provides them the ability to create customized solutions and include details that might not be considered or included if the dispute were to be resolved by the Court. Settling the case will also save both parties substantial legal costs associated with having to try the case, not to mention the emotional toll ongoing litigation and trial can impose. Finally, settling cases is advantageous for preserving a working relationship between the parties, especially if there are children involved.
Here are Six Tips to Follow for a Successful Mediation:
1. Let Go of the “Win-Lose” Mentality
Mediation isn’t about defeating the other party —it’s about creating a solution that works for both of you. Looking at the process as a zero-sum game will never result in settlement. Instead, focus on shared goals, like financial stability or co-parenting harmony. A successful mediation is one where both parties walk away with a workable agreement, which almost always means neither party got exactly what they wanted.
2. Stay Future-Focused
It’s easy to get stuck in the past and start rehashing old arguments or pointing fingers. But mediation is about building the future, not reliving the past. Keep your eyes on what lies ahead: your financial independence, your children’s well-being, and your emotional peace. Your past may inform your decisions, but it should not control them.
3. Be Open to Creative Solutions
The beauty of mediation is its flexibility. Unlike a courtroom, where outcomes are often rigid and generic, mediation allows for customized agreements. Be open to ideas you haven’t considered, like alternative custody schedules, asset swaps, or phased financial arrangements. The more flexible you are, the more likely you are to find a win-win outcome.
4. Manage Your Emotions
Family disputes are emotional, and mediation can stir up frustration, sadness, and anger. But letting emotions take over can derail progress. Practice emotional regulation techniques, such as deep breathing, taking breaks, and work with a therapist to ensure you have such tools available and are in a healthy mindset going into mediation. Staying calm helps you think clearly and negotiate effectively.
5. You Don’t Have to “Convince” the Mediator
Unlike a judge, mediators are not “finders of fact” and do not have any authority to impose orders, or force anyone to accept any proposal. Thus, you do not need to convince the mediator that what you want is best, or that your account certain facts is true. Explaining some background to the mediator in connection with why you are requesting something or will not agree to a certain proposal is helpful. However, trying to prove to mediator that the other party’s recitation of past events is not true is not productive, and a waste of valuable time that could be spent working to resolve the issues.
6. Don’t Shoot the Messenger
Mediators are neutral third parties, and a big part of their role is relaying offers from the other party and explaining the reasoning behind those offers. That does not mean the mediator agrees with the other party. Don’t shoot the messenger. Listen to the information being relayed and resist the temptation to interrupt with objections or your take on events. Once the mediator is done speaking, you can work with your attorney to discuss the offer, and whether some or all of it might work for you. Again, the focus should be forward-facing, not trying to prove past events to the mediator.
It’s not about winning or losing — it’s about stepping up to create a solution that works for everyone involved. Mediation offers family law litigants a path to resolution that’s less costly, more empowering, and oftentimes more productive than traditional litigation. At Geigle | Morales, we believe that moving forward begins with the right mindset, trusted guidance, and compassionate counsel.